


Dante Aligheri's Divine Comedy

by SlankyHanky



Category: Internet Personalities, ジョジョの奇妙な冒険 | JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken | JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
Genre: Alternate Ending, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Jojo's Bizarre Adventure part 3: Stardust Crusaders, Self-Indulgent, Self-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2019-02-16 19:35:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13060719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlankyHanky/pseuds/SlankyHanky
Summary: Slanky couldn't think of anything to write when he appeared in the strangest of places.Note: Contains SDC spoilers





	Dante Aligheri's Divine Comedy

**Author's Note:**

> I went to the lowest of the low by making a self insert. But oh well. 
> 
> I wrote this late at night and this is purely self indulgent. 

 

Slanky had his hands folded behind his head while he sat in front of his computer, an empty page of MS Word facing him.  He checked AO3 again, but all the major long fics he was interested in haven't been updated in ages.  He sighed and went back to staring at the screen in hopes that he'll finally write that line without sounding like an idiot. 

In the instant he blinked, he wasn't in front of a desktop anymore but in a whole new world full of alternating colors and flashes.  He cleaned his black pimpin' rectangular glasses quickly (because grills are overrated and Gyro's probably out there screaming in denial), stupified by the characters fighting in front of him.  His expression became terror as Kakyoin and Hierophant Green had Dio surrounded.  Slanky knew what was coming and let out a bloodcurling shriek, attracting the attention of the redhead as he quickly moved down.  

Dio suddenly appeared much closer, but not quite there. 

He felt a rope - no, tendril, - wrap around his waist and he was pulled back as Kakyoin moved.  Dio gave chase to the two, laughing. "It's useless to flee!  Useless, useless, useless, useless!"

Slanky tensed at the sound of the vampire's voice, realizing his life was in danger. He held onto the tentacle as Kakyoin swung from building to building like Spiderman. "Kakyoin!" he screamed.

The redhead turned in surprise that this boy knew his name as Hierophant Green continued to move.  "How do you know me?"

"Doesn't matter!  Dio's Stand, it's AUGH!" Slanky was pulled hard by the stomach and he retched into the fast moving air, shuddering.  Dio darted upward and jumped from building to building. 

"What is it?!"

"It stops time!  Dio can stop time!"

Dio heard the cry and hesitated for a second, then appeared so much closer, shooting towards Slanky who screamed his throat out, eyes tearing up as he tried to get his breath back. 

Kakyoin turned around and shot at Dio with an Emerald Splash before jerking to the left into an alley, then up.  Slanky felt the appendage ease and retract when they slowed down and he stumbled to a trash bin, wheezing and vomiting some more as he cried from the pain the ride left him in. 

"You," Kakyoin started, "l don't know who you are but you interrupted our fight."

Slanky looked up at his favorite character with an increasingly pale face, shuddering.  He started wailing some more, covering his face in humiliation. _It's finally happening and I'm like this!_

"Shut up or he'll find us.  Now, who are you and how do you know about his Stand?"

Slanky sniffled, taking off his jacket when Kakyoin tossed him his handkerchief from Stardust Crusaders Episode Two: Who Will Be the Judge? Slanky cleaned his face with it, feeling awful for soiling precious cargo. "I'm..." He coughed, tears still running down his face, "I'm a writer. I know all about you guys and what was going to happen."

"What?  What was going to happen?"

"He was going to stop time and punch you into the water tower...  I saved your life."

Kakyoin inspected me silently. "A writer?  What are you implying?"

"In my world none of this is real, it's just a story someone in Japan wrote.  But I write stories about you guys, and you're my favorite. I've spent a year crying about you dying!"

The teen stared at the short boy, squinting his eyes with suspicion. "How do I know you're not lying?"

"Dude I just fucking came out of nowhere and told you vital information you can't get anywhere else."

"Then you're a spy?"

"Dude fuck that noise," Slanky staggered up to Kakyoin, very disoriented, "You see any Stands?"

He took him by the arms and shot upwards, an explosion just where the two had been standing. "WRRYYYY!"

Slanky held onto Kakyoin, never imagining such a meeting to be quite like this. "We need to find Jotaro! Only he can stop him now!  That's how it ends!"

"Only him?" He scoffed, "Alright."  

Slanky clung tighter, sniffing the boy.  He was utterly enchanted, feeling his head go light. "So why did you never use your possession ability again?"

"My what?

"Y'know, when you possessed that nurse?"

"Uh..."

"When you slashed Jotaro's leg was also pretty cool!"

"I-I don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't you remember your fight with him?"

"N- I don't- hm..." he turned to face Dio, leaving Slanky hanging onto Hierophant Green as it started to lag behind and shot appendages in Dio's direction.  They were avoided but this was already his plan.  They folded back and struck Dio's rear end and the vampire went slack. 

Slanky gaped at how that worked so easily that his grip faltered and he almost slipped until a tendril secured him. "Take him to Joseph!" 

"I thought you said to take him to Jotaro!"

"Nevermind that then!"

The duo switched directions, going somewhat slower with the added weight. Slanky felt ecstatic at the protective belt around his waist, though he didn't want to admit that much so he held on with affection this time, enjoying the ride to the very end. Once dismounted, Joseph looked up. 

His eyes blew wide, "Oh my God!  Is... Is he..?"

"No," Slanky shook his head, "That's why we need you to use your hamon."

"Oh!  Okay," Joseph bent over the body, which shook with spasms of attempt for control, "Ha!  Look at you, we won in one hour!"

Slanky brooded darkly, "Just do it!"  he took a closer look at Dio.  He was just as attractive as he thought and for a second he felt the need to save him.  

"Alright, alright.  Sunlight Yellow Overdrive!"  A hum rang in the air as if someone was blowing into a bottle as he extended his Hermit Purple to wrap around Dio's legs, sending a shock.  

Dio started disintegrating and his eyes rolled back, spitting a spray of blood into the air as he convulsed.  The droplets fell around him, leaving red pricks on his skin.  Slanky felt it fall on his cheeks as he watched, horrified.  He drew his skinny arms in to hug himself, trying to keep himself from crying with fear in front of his heroes.  The expression on his face was equally embarassing. 

Dio's eyes swerved to Slanky's in its final moments.  Then he whispered, "Wryyy..." before completing its cremation process.  Those eyes were full of hatred and a promise of revenge, leaving a print in Slanky's eyes and they were all he could see. 

"It's over..." Joseph sighed, content.  

Kakyoin nodded, putting a hand on Slanky's shoulder. "Thank you."

Slanky blinked in gratefulness, his wide cerulean eyes looking up at his favorite character. "You're welcome..."

Jotaro and Polnareff took a turn and found the three boys. Jotaro inspected the young boy curiously. "Who's the midget?"

Slanky's eye twitched. "I'm not a midget!"  

Polnareff looked around frantically, "Where's Dio?!" 

"Dead." Joseph pointed at the ashes starting to swirl in the wind. 

"That's it?!" Polnareff scowled, "All we did was just for this?!"

"You're so ungrateful," Slanky scorned then straightened up and proudly announced, "I saved Kakyoin."

Kakyoin put his arms around Slanky's neck, who squirmed with annoyance at the pressure. "He did, I owe him that much," he rested his head on Slanky's, who growled quietly. 

Jotaro approached, staring the two other men down.  His eyes locked with the new one in suspicion before letting it go. "Tch,"

Slanky sank back into Kakyoin's touch. _I wouldn't mind staying here forever._  Kakyoin let go and the four surviving Crusaders started walking off down the road to home. 

 

Slanky's head snapped up, seeing saliva pooled on his desk. He turned to see the darkness outside the window of his room.  The computer went into hibernation during the hours he had spent passed out.  He cursed at himself for falling asleep as he rubbed his eyes. 

Then he remembered the dream he had, saving Kakyoin and being so close to his favorite character. Slanky rubbed the shoulders he'd felt the pressure on, closing his eyes. 

_If only it was true._


End file.
